Why "You Need to Rest" Is Useless Advice for Tired Leaders
A repeatable way to hand off what Jesus never assigned you to carry
It’s almost midnight. You closed your laptop hours ago, but your mind is still busy with work.
You’re lying in bed with the lights off, but your mind keeps replaying the day. Maybe you wish you’d handled a conversation differently, forgot to send an email, or can’t stop worrying about someone on your team. You tell yourself it’s being responsible as you go over everything again.
I used to call it that too, for a long time.
After years of coaching leaders, I see this pattern everywhere. Pastors, executives, team leads, and dedicated parents often bring their work home. The weight follows them to dinner and then to bed. Many call it being conscientious or caring, but it really means their minds never get a break from work.
Someone always asks the obvious question: How? Telling someone to just rest doesn’t help if you don’t know what’s actually keeping you awake.
What I’ve seen is that the weight never disappears by itself. If you keep holding on, it keeps holding you. If you want to set it down, you have to do it on purpose. That means finding a concrete way to let go, not just hoping it happens.
Jesus said the same thing to a crowd of people who were worn out from carrying more than they were built to carry.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 - NIV
Notice what Jesus offers. He doesn’t tell them to carry nothing. Instead, He invites them to trade what they’re carrying for something that fits. A yoke spreads out a heavy load so it doesn’t break the person carrying it. In those days, religious leaders added rules and expectations no one could handle. Jesus saw the tired crowd and offered a trade: set that down and pick up His instead.
The invitation isn’t to stop leading. It’s to stop carrying what was never yours to hold.
When I notice I’m bringing something home that’s wearing me out, I ask myself four questions. Most nights, things sort themselves out faster than I expect. It’s not complicated. It just takes intention. That’s the point.
1. Is this mine to carry, or did I just pick it up?
Here is the test. If I set this down tonight, does it land on no one, on God, or on the person it actually belongs to?
I’ve realized a lot of what I carry was never really mine to begin with. I just got used to picking things up out of habit, telling myself it was my job. Naming the difference out loud can make a surprising amount of the stress fall away.
I’ve seen this one distinction change how a leader sleeps in just a week. The burden was never theirs to begin with. They picked it up by accident, like grabbing someone else’s bag.
This is exactly what Jesus meant by the yoke. “Take my yoke upon you” means there’s a responsibility He gives you on purpose, and another you keep picking up that He never offered. Learning from Him starts with knowing the difference.
2. Is there an action here, or just a feeling?
Ask yourself honestly: Is there one thing I can do tomorrow, or am I just stewing over it?
If there’s an actual next step, I jot it down and leave the rest for tomorrow. Just putting it on paper helps close the mental loop. So much of my late-night stress is really my brain refusing to let go because it’s worried I’ll forget something. When I write it down, my mind finally relaxes.
When a feeling shows up without a clear action, acknowledge it, then let it go. Losing sleep over worries doesn’t help you or the people on your mind. Jesus promised, “you will find rest,” and that rest becomes real when you give yourself permission to stop trying to solve everything before bed.
3. Am I carrying an outcome I don’t control?
This one catches almost everybody.
We lie awake trying to manage things that were never ours to control, like whether someone changes, whether the project works, or whether a tough conversation goes well. None of that is really your responsibility, but it will sit on your shoulders if you let it.
Leaders guide outcomes. You prepare, you communicate, you show up well. The final result depends on many factors, including other people’s choices and God’s timing. Rehearsing it in the dark doesn’t change any of them.
There’s a reason Jesus described His burden as light. What He asks of you matches your real calling: to be faithful, not to control every outcome. The things that leave you exhausted are usually the ones you were never supposed to carry in the first place. Before going to sleep, name what’s truly yours, like your preparation, your words, or your effort. The rest belongs on the nightstand, left for tomorrow.
4. Have I actually handed it over, or just talked about it?
This is a question worth taking time to consider. Did I really pray about this, or did I just talk around it?
There’s a big difference between telling God you are worried and truly placing a concern in His hands. One is simply venting; the other is a real act of trust. I know I have let go when my mind finally stops replaying the issue. That is the signal that something has shifted inside me.
It’s not easy to let go when you care so much. But hanging on is usually what keeps us from real rest. At some point, you have to admit you’ve done what you can, and it’s time to set it down for the night.
The habit that started all of this
For a long time, I couldn’t fall asleep without replaying the whole day first. Every conversation, everything I said wrong, everything I left unfinished, every person I worried about. I played it on repeat and called it caring.
Then a friend I respect told me about his habit. He keeps a notebook on his nightstand. When something hits him at night, he writes it down in one line and tells himself it will still be there in the morning.
It honestly sounded almost too simple to work. Still, I tried creating a habit of downloading whatever was on my mind before bed, making a list for the next day and it almost immediately helped.
That simple habit became a tool for learning what it means to take up Jesus’ lighter yoke. Letting go didn’t mean turning my back on people I cared about. It meant trusting they’d still be there in the morning.
Facing the fear beneath the weight
That habit uncovered something deeper in me, and it’s worth taking a second to note.
So much of what kept me awake at night came from fear. I was afraid that if I let go, I’d somehow let others down, as if worrying was the same as loving them.
When I wrote my worries down at night, it was my way of reminding myself, “You don’t have to solve this right now.” Resting didn’t mean I stopped caring, and that’s important to understand. It meant I trusted the world wouldn’t fall apart if I let things wait until morning. Eventually, I saw that my real challenge was letting go of the belief that lying awake worrying was somehow helpful.
The truth is, the people I lose sleep over are usually sleeping just fine themselves.
What they really need from me is to show up rested and present, not worn out from a night of worrying. Jesus never said we had to prove our care by losing rest. He asked us to trust Him and rest, because we were never supposed to carry it all alone.
I stopped believing that lying awake over people is the same as loving them. That single change did more for my leadership than most of the tools on my shelf.
It’s Bigger Than Sleep
This is about more than sleep. It’s about the atmosphere you create. Over the years, I’ve seen that the healthiest teams usually have leaders who take care of themselves first. When a leader shows up stressed or tense, it affects everyone. But if that leader can let go of what isn’t theirs to hold, the whole group feels lighter and more relaxed. It changes the atmosphere in a real, practical way.
This is what Jesus meant when He talked about His yoke. He encouraged us to carry the things that are truly ours and trust Him with everything else. Those four questions aren’t just for winding down at night. They actually influence how you show up for others the next day.
I’ll be honest: some nights, I still can’t let go of the things I wish I could. None of us do this perfectly. What matters is having a real way to lay things down before bed, so tomorrow feels a little lighter.
Here’s your assignment: put a notebook on your nightstand. Then go through the four questions before bed, in order.
Ask the four before you close your eyes
Is this mine to carry, or did I just pick it up?
Is there an action here, or just a feeling?
Am I carrying an outcome I don’t control?
Have I actually handed it over, or just talked about it?
Name the one you skip
Ask yourself one honest question, because your answer will reveal where your real work is. Of these four questions, which one do you tend to skip? Everyone avoids at least one. The one you hesitate to face is often the one protecting the burden you find hardest to let go.
Write it down and name it. Accept the invitation Jesus gave to a tired crowd centuries ago, and place that worry in His hands instead of turning it over in your mind all night.
When morning comes, you can pick it up again, this time with renewed strength and a rested mind.
Leaders who carry weight well are not those who never feel it. They are the ones who learn to set it down on purpose and trust that God will hold it for them until they wake.
Rest well tonight, leader!
— Jared
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