The Real Reason Your Habits Aren’t Changing
For a stimulated brain, breaking bad habits requires more than just willpower
So…I’ve been working through this concept in my mind lately that is centered around habits. Here’s the main idea of my article today…we’ve become too comfortable with having good intentions instead of actually seeing healthy life changes.
I think we’ve all lived this familiar story. We commit to breaking a bad habit in our life.
It could be anything…
Maybe it’s procrastination, mindless scrolling on social media, or responding harshly when stressed.
And so you start strong, fueled by determination and resolve. But before long, old patterns resurface, and you’re back where you started.
Most people don’t love the process of changing habits. It feels like fighting against your own instincts which can seem unnatural at times. But the reality is that our best efforts to change often fail because we focus on the wrong thing.
We try to eliminate the behavior without understanding why it exists in the first place.
The problem is that we focus solely on trying to get mentally stronger while ignoring the root issue: the actual value we’ve attached to the habit.
If you’ve ever wondered why your habits keep coming back despite your best efforts, let’s rethink the process.
The Real Reason We Struggle with Change
The biggest mistake people make when trying to break a habit is focusing exclusively on elimination. We tell ourselves to stop and just say no. But that approach doesn’t address why the habit formed to begin with.
If we don’t replace the old behavior with something of equal or greater value, we create an empty space that our minds become desperate to fill. Often, that space is filled with the very habit we were trying to eliminate.
Permanent change doesn’t just come from removing a behavior. It comes from introducing something more valuable that makes the old habit less appealing.
We see this principle modeled in the book of Matthew. Jesus spoke directly to this issue when He warned about the danger of leaving a space empty after removing something harmful.
“When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself.”
— Matthew 12:43-45 (NIV)
This is powerful. Jesus states that when an impure spirit (let’s consider them unhealthy behaviors for the sake of this article) leaves a person, it looks for a place to settle. If it returns to find its former space empty and in order, it doesn’t just come back alone. It brings others with it, leaving the person worse off than before. Our unhealthy habits do the same thing.
If we remove something negative from our lives without replacing it with something positive, that empty space doesn’t stay empty for long. It attracts more of what we were trying to eliminate.
Our minds naturally seek fulfillment. When we take something away without filling the void with a healthier alternative, we set ourselves up for relapse.
I say this often to our church:
When we remove something from our lives that creates an emotional void, we will either fill that void biblically or unbiblically, but we will fill it with something.
The issue of rejecting change is more about how our brains are wired than it is about unhealthy desires. Habits form because they meet a need. Even when the behavior is harmful, it serves a purpose. There are a multitude of ways that we try to find comfort, distraction, or a sense of control. When we take that away without addressing the underlying need, the brain will fight to restore it.
When you remove a habit, you’re not just removing an action—you’re removing a coping mechanism. Whether it’s eating junk food during stressful times or checking your phone to escape boredom, the habit fulfills a real psychological or emotional need. Removing the behavior without replacing the reward creates tension, which eventually pushes you back to the old habit.
This principle reflects how we experience spiritual growth in repenting for sin.
When we repent for sin we turn from our sinful behaviors, but we then turn towards Christ. This allows Jesus to fill the void we create when we remove flesh serving behavior. If we simply focus on what we’re removing without embracing something greater, the old nature quickly reestablishes itself.
The Emotional Value Exchange Theory (at least that’s what I’m calling it for now)
This theory is probably a lot more simple than I’m making it, but hang with me as I work through this concept in real time…
If the new habit doesn’t feel more valuable, the old one will always win.
Lasting change requires understanding what we gain from the old behavior. If we don’t recognize the true value we’ve placed on it, we won’t understand why it keeps coming back. The key is to replace the habit with something that delivers a similar or greater benefit.
Even the way Jesus called people to himself modeled this concept. After healing and delivering people, He often instructed them to follow Him, to remain rooted in community, or to adopt a new way of living. The idea was to introduce them to a lifestyle that was truly more valuable than the one they currently had.
The Idea Behind Reward Replacement
The human brain wants rewards as desperately as it wants routine. If you remove a source of pleasure or relief without offering something comparable, your brain registers a loss. This is why replacing the habit rather than eliminating it works more effectively.
Think of it like a weighted scale. On one side sits the old habit, loaded with the comfort or pleasure it provides. On the other sits the proposed new habit. If the new behavior doesn’t offer a comparable payoff, the scale will always tip back to the original.
If someone wants to stop binge eating while watching TV, telling themselves to just “stop eating” doesn’t work. The brain still craves the satisfaction of eating while being entertained and will be triggered to crave that each time the TV is on. Instead, replacing the snacks with something enjoyable like flavored water, a protein based snack or a healthier alternative provides the same cue-craving-response-reward loop (more on this in a second) but with a healthier outcome.
Don’t just stop the behavior. Find something that meets the same need in a healthier way.
Understanding the Habit Loop
Habits don’t form randomly. It’s important to understand this and recognize that they follow a predictable pattern.
Habits are part of an internal loop that includes four stages: cue, craving, response, and reward. Now let’s look at what those mean.
Breaking Down the Habit Loop
Cue: The trigger that initiates the behavior. It could be a feeling, a situation, a time of day, or even a specific environment. For example, feeling stressed at work might cue the urge to snack.
Craving: The motivation to change your state. This could be seeking comfort, distraction, or satisfaction. In the example above, the craving is the desire for relief from stress.
Response: The actual behavior you perform. In this case, it might be grabbing a bag of chips from the break room.
Reward: The benefit you receive from the behavior, like a temporary distraction or a moment of relief.
Most people mistakenly focus on avoiding the cues or resisting the cravings. This approach requires constant willpower, which is a finite resource. Eventually, fatigue sets in, and the old habit resurfaces.
Instead of trying to eliminate the cue or suppress the craving, replace the response. Keep the trigger and the desired outcome the same, but change how you meet that need.
Remember this…REPLACING unhealthy habits is far more effective than BREAKING unhealthy habits.
The Role of Identity in Habit Change
One of the most powerful ways to make lasting changes is to shift from focusing on what you want to change to who you want to become. When you see yourself differently, your actions naturally start to align with that identity.
If your goal is to stop procrastinating, don’t just say, “I need to stop wasting time.” Instead, see yourself as a disciplined and proactive person. This shift from action to identity helps your brain align behavior with your sense of self.
In Romans 12:2, Paul tells believers to be transformed by the renewing of their minds. This transformation is more than just behavior modifications. It’s a complete renewal of how we think, act, and see ourselves.
When you change your identity, your actions naturally follow. You’re not just trying to stop being angry; you’re becoming a person marked by peace. You’re not just quitting a habit; you’re embracing a new way of living.
Lasting change begins when you start seeing yourself as someone who naturally lives out the new behavior.
Breaking Unhealthy Habits
So now that’s we’ve probably overkilled this topic by a lot, let’s put it into something we can use. Here’s the process we should follow to break unhealthy habits in our life.
1. Identify the Real Need:
Understand what your habit is giving you. Be brutally honest about the comfort or relief it provides. Naming the need breaks the illusion that the habit itself is the problem. The real issue is what you’re trying to satisfy through it.
2. Replace, Don’t Just Remove:
Find a new behavior that delivers the same reward. For example, if stress drives your late-night snacking, replace it with a calming routine like reading a devotion or praying. The key is to choose a healthy alternative that genuinely fulfills the craving.
3. Practice the New Response:
Consistency builds confidence. The first few attempts might feel unnatural, but repetition strengthens the new habit. Set small, achievable goals to practice the new response when the cue arises.
4. Anchor the Change to Your Identity:
See yourself as the kind of person who naturally does the new behavior. Instead of saying, “I’m trying to be more patient,” say, “I am a person who responds with grace.” This shift aligns your actions with your identity.
Lasting change is possible by replacing the old with something that genuinely fulfills you. That’s how transformation becomes sustainable.
For leaders, this means modeling the process for your team. Help others see that breaking habits is about pursuing what’s genuinely better for them. That’s how you build a culture where healthy growth becomes natural.
Breaking a habit is more than just saying no to what’s harmful. It’s about saying yes to what’s holy, whole, and life-giving. Real transformation replaces emptiness with purpose.
Be blessed this week!
—Jared