The Hidden Cost of Unlimited Second Chances
What Paul Taught Titus About Toxic Team Members
There’s a verse in Titus 3:10 that completely rewired how I think about leadership.
“Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.”
— Titus 3:10 NIV
Two warnings. Then done.
Paul wrote that. The same Paul who wrote the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13. The same guy who said love is patient, love is kind. That same Paul looked at Titus and told him some people get two conversations and then you move on.
This morning, I spent some time reading a powerful research report that showed the impacts of toxic work cultures. I want to dive into a bit of it today.
I’ve spent over a decade consulting with more than 400 businesses and 50 churches across the country. I’ve watched leader after leader extend grace to divisive team members for months, sometimes years. I’ve done it myself. And the pattern always plays out the same way.
Two warnings becomes four. Four becomes six. Six becomes a year of hoping someone changes while everyone around you watches the same cycle repeat.
We justify it with Scripture.
“Love covers a multitude of sins.”
“Forgive seventy times seven.”
“Bear with one another.”
All true. All real. And not one of them means what we’re using them to mean.
The Hidden Cost of Unlimited Warnings
Here’s what the research is screaming at us about the way we avoid hard boundaries.
Turnover tied to toxic workplace culture has cost organizations as much as $223 billion over the last five years. And 58 percent of the people who walked away from a job because of culture pointed directly at their manager as the reason they left.
Read that again. The manager. The person who was supposed to protect them.
When we extend unlimited grace to a divisive person, we’re not being compassionate. We’re being negligent to everyone else on the team.
A study from Hogan estimates that roughly 6 percent of the global workforce behaves in toxic ways. That’s one out of every seventeen people.
You know who pays the price when we refuse to address that one person? The other sixteen.
Forgiveness and Access Are Not the Same Thing
Here’s where most of us get tangled up.
We start to believe that forgiving someone means we have to keep handing them the same access to our leadership, our team, and our organization.
Forgiveness is about releasing someone from the debt they owe you. Access is about stewarding the people under your care.
You can release someone with grace and still release them from their role.
Look at Jesus. He forgave the very people who crucified Him. He also let Judas walk away from the table. He didn’t chase him down. He didn’t pull him aside for a fifth conversation about loyalty. He didn’t give him another chance to betray the other disciples.
He released him.
When that distinction finally clicked for me, it changed everything about how I lead.
I’ve had to sit across from team members who were creating real division. People I genuinely cared about. People I had prayed for. People I wanted to see win. People who I sacrificed for because I saw something in them. And after the final warning, when the behavior didn’t shift, I had to make a decision.
Protect the one or protect the many.
Every time I chose the many, the team got healthier. Every time I delayed, the damage grew.
What Divisive Behavior Actually Does to a Team
Let’s get specific about what we’re actually protecting against.
As we’ve seen above, research shows that divisive coworkers have a measurable impact on a team’s ability to hit deadlines and reach goals. Their behaviors, gossip, passive aggression, refusal to cooperate, slowly eat away at trust, communication, and collaboration.
The result ends up in delays, lower productivity, and missed targets.
But what research can’t capture the part that matters most.
The emotional toll on your high performers.
Your best people are watching you. They’re watching how you handle the team member who keeps undermining unity. They’re watching how long you let it drag on. And quietly, they’re making decisions about whether they want to stay.
Working in a toxic atmosphere is linked to higher levels of stress, burnout, and mental health issues.
You’re not just managing culture. You’re stewarding people’s health. Think deeply on that.
Compassionate Accountability Is Not a Contradiction
This is where we have to reframe what compassion actually is.
The research shared that compassionate leadership points to six core elements: integrity, empathy, accountability, authenticity, presence, and dignity.
Look at that list again. Accountability is on it.
Compassionate leaders don’t avoid hard conversations.
When leaders hold their people accountable, they’re showing trust that those people are capable of following through.
When leaders fail to set boundaries with their staff, the whole team feels it. People become unsure of their roles, their responsibilities, and what’s actually expected of them. The result is confusion, inefficiency, and slowed productivity.
Boundaries aren’t unkind. Boundaries create clarity and safety for everyone.
I’ve learned this through painful experience. Early in my leadership, I thought being a good Christian leader meant giving people endless chances. I thought it meant absorbing their dysfunction so they didn’t have to face the consequences of it.
What I was actually doing was teaching that person their behavior was acceptable.
And teaching everyone else I wouldn’t protect them.
The Two-Warning Framework in Practice
So what does this actually look like when you put it into motion?
First warning: A direct, private conversation. You name the specific behavior. You explain the impact on the team. You set clear expectations and a timeline for change.
You document the conversation. You follow it up in writing. There can be no ambiguity about what needs to shift.
Second warning: If the behavior continues, you sit down again. You reference the first conversation. You acknowledge that change hasn’t happened. You make it crystal clear that this is the final opportunity to address the issue.
And you tell them what happens if it doesn’t change.
After that: You follow through. You release the person from their role. You do it with dignity. You do it with grace. But you do it.
This isn’t about being harsh. This is about being honest.
Proactive conflict resolution is one of the most overlooked responsibilities of leadership. When divisive behavior shows up, leaders need to step in early to mediate before the issue spirals.
The key word is early.
We wait too long. We hope it will resolve on its own. We talk ourselves into believing one more conversation will be the one that finally lands.
Meanwhile, your best people are quietly updating their resumes preparing for a place that is more fruitful to work in.
What About Restoration?
People always ask me about this. “What if they change? What if God does a work in their life later down the road?”
Beautiful. I celebrate that. I pray for that. I hope for that.
But restoration doesn’t mean reinstating someone to the same position they held before. It means welcoming them back into community, into relationship, and into the body of Christ.
It does not mean handing them access to the same people they hurt before.
There’s a difference between being forgiven and being trusted with leadership again.
Forgiveness is immediate. Trust is rebuilt over time through consistent, changed behavior.
I’ve watched God do remarkable work in people after they were released from a leadership role. Sometimes losing the role is exactly what they needed to face their behavior and get help.
Your job isn’t to be their savior. Your job is to steward the people under your care.
The Question You Need to Sit With
Here’s where it lands.
Who are you actually protecting?
When you extend grace beyond the two-warning boundary, you’re making a choice.
You’re choosing to protect the divisive person from consequences at the cost of everyone else on your team.
You’re choosing their comfort over the team’s health.
And you’re doing all of it in the name of grace.
That’s not grace. That’s avoidance.
Grace doesn’t mean shielding people from the natural consequences of their choices. Grace means offering people dignity and respect even as you put boundaries in place.
Grace is having the hard conversation with kindness. Documenting clearly. Following through consistently. Treating someone as a person made in God’s image even as you release them from their role.
Boundaries and grace aren’t enemies. Boundaries are what keep grace from quietly becoming a weapon against the very people you’re called to protect.
A Quick Note to Close
If you’re reading this and you already know there’s a conversation you’ve been avoiding, you also already know what you need to do.
You need to have the first warning conversation.
This week.
Name the behavior. Set the expectations. Give the timeline. Document the conversation.
If you’ve already had the first warning and you’ve slipped into the pattern of endless chances, you need to have the second warning conversation.
This week.
The people who are waiting for you to lead are counting on you. Your strongest team members are watching. The health of your organization is at stake.
Paul knew exactly what he was talking about. Jesus modeled it. And you carry both the authority and the responsibility to put it into practice.
Lead well, Leader.
— Jared