For a long time in my life other people's expectations dictated my calendar and if I'm being honest they dictated me as well.
I said yes when I actually meant no and took meetings primarily just to avoid people feeling let down. A great deal of my decisions were made with an eye to who might be annoyed rather than what was actually right. I'd call that being generous and available.
It was fear in a better suit.
I let a hundred people pull me in a hundred different directions, each one wanting a slightly different version of me. That's precisely what Scripture has a term for.
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.
Proverbs 29:25 (NIV)
A snare doesn't just jump out at you. It's subtle, it creeps up on you. You're off being all helpful and you don't even realise it's there until it's already got its hooks in and has decided where you can and can't go.
You can't juggle everyone's expectations with your own actual calling. At some point they're going to be pulling in opposite directions and one of them has to go. My view is that we need to deliberately drop the right one and we need to do it on purpose rather than just go cold on the people we lead.
Know What’s ACTUALLY Yours
Getting free starts with clarity, and clarity usually requires a pen.
Write down what God has actually called you to in this season, the very few things only you can do. Everything else is either someone else's job or a false expectation you've picked up down the years. You won't be able to tell the difference until that list actually exists on paper. An unwritten calling gets re-negotiated by the very person you last spoke to.
The next time a new demand comes over to you, just hold it up against what you've already written and ask yourself one simple question. Is this actually mine to take on, or am I just too scared to say no?
Loads of leaders will quietly believe that if you let someone down then you've failed. They will therefore bend to the crowd's comfort. The expectations are in fact in direct conflict though. One person wants you faster, one wants you slower and in order to keep both happy you'd have to be two different leaders at once.
If nobody is ever unhappy with your decisions, there’s a good chance you’ve been managing feelings and calling it leadership.
Scripture actually records what it costs when it's allowed to run its course.
The Saddest Confession a King Ever Made
God gave Saul a very clear command. Saul did part of it and did the rest in the way the people wanted. When Samuel came to him he finally admitted the real reason.
Then Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned. I violated the LORD’s command and your instructions. I was afraid of the men and so I gave in to them.”
1 Samuel 15:24 (NIV)
He feared the men before him more than he feared God and that was what cost him the kingdom.
That's Proverbs 29:25 in one life.
Saul walked straight into the snare and in that instance it was completely focused on keeping the team happy. The fear of letting people down goes far enough that you'll end up disobeying God just to keep the room happy.
Before we go any further, answer those questions honestly and in writing.
As you make a decision, whose face do you picture reacting to it and whose face is the one that can completely blow your day to pieces?
Is there something God is asking you to do that you've put off because of how people would react?
Do you say yes mostly because 'no' just seems far too uncomfortable?
If one of them struck a nerve then that nerve is pointing directly at the approval you've been dispensing.
Stay on the Wall
My all time favourite picture of refusing the crowd's pull is a man on a half built wall turning down a meeting.
Nehemiah was rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem and his adversaries were constantly getting him down to talk to them, the intention being to stop the work and do him harm.
So I sent messengers to them with this reply: “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?”
Nehemiah 6:3 (NIV)
They asked four times and he gave the exact same answer each time. He didn't argue one bit, didn't defend his reputation in the slightest. He just named his assignment and stayed where the work was.
You don't have to meet with every critic. Some of those invitations are just the work trying to get you off the wall.
Setting the False Load Down
These steps build on one another so take them in order this week.
1. Give God the first word
Before email, before any message, before the first meeting, get alone with God and remember who you are. Proverbs 29:25 speaks of safety for the man who trusts in the Lord and that trust is forged within those quiet moments. A leader who starts the day with that anchor is a very different proposition.
2. Name one false expectation
Write down one expectation you've been carrying that wasn't actually yours at all, specific enough that you could point to it on your calendar.
3. Set it down
Simply say the uncomfortable no. Cancel the meeting you've accepted because you were afraid to, or hand the load back to the person it was meant to be handed to. Do it nicely and then do it.
4. Put your yes somewhere
Give the time that the false load was stealing to one thing God has actually called you to. An hour that's freed up by the next request nobody claims.
Trading the Crowd for His Presence
I know that's hard to hear if you've built your whole reputation on being available to everyone. Just hold onto the second half of Proverbs 29:25 - the promise that "he that trusteth in the Lord shall be safe". With the God of the universe on your side, a crowd's disapproval is reduced to its proper size and can't in any way determine your life.
Once you've got your load down, cheer on another leader who's also doing the same. To see a friend go against the crowd and do it for the sake of God is to give the rest of us the go-ahead to do it too.
Carry the right weight, leader.
— Jared